my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
