i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
