i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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