went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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