You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
