So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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