i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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