Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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