I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
