I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
