Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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