i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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