i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
