I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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