Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize