She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
