i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
