Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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