Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
