im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
