I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
