in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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