This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
