shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
