If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
