you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
