I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
