everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Blood and glitter go together right?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
