i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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