There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
