i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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