The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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