mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
