My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
