Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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