I think I won the penis lottery.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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