twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
