just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
