i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
