I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize