Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
