I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
