dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
