In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
