you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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