his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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