Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
