even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
