He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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