my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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