I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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