What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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