I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
